The scariest thing

is the feeling that you'll die any minute and you can't do anything about it.

Last night, I felt so helpless, scared and lost.

You know what's scarier? It is seeing the worried face of your loved ones (mother, father, brother) and you can't even assure them that everything will be fine.

....

Past midnight, I told my mom that I was having difficulty breathing. I have experienced difficulty in breathing in the last few months or so but last night was the worst episode ever. Well, it wasn't really that bad but when I felt stinging sensations on my hands, fingers and mouth, I thought that what I'm experiencing was serious. All that time, my mom was asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital but I insisted that it will subside.

Then, the numbness spread all throughout my body. My stomach was feeling numb, my throat/neck, my feet, head, chest felt like they were being electrocuted. It scared me sh*tless. My fingers were all stiff and they looked deformed. That time thought I was about to have a stroke and that I may be paralyzed for life. My other thought was that I was about to die any minute. My mom was in hysterics telling my brother to wake someone up so that I can be brought to the hospital.

My thoughts while I was experiencing all these:

• how would it feel like seconds before you die? When you lose consciousness and the like? Would it hurt when I suddenly lost breathing?
• I can not graduate on time! I won't be able to finish my internship, I won't finish our thesis. My life is doomed!
• What was my last status in twitter? Would it be memorable enough to be my last tweet (really)
• Papa God, not now please, it isn't my time yet. I'm too young.
• Am I even supposed to think about these things when I'm about to die? Shouldn't it be full of flowers, etc?

We went to the hospital, I was loaded into a wheelchair (since I can't stand properly) and was observed. They gave me this brown paper bag to breathe into. And after a while my breathing normalized. The doctor told me that I was suffering from Hyperventilation Syndrome. It is usually caused by emotional and/or physical stress. She asked me if I was angry/upset with someone (and the like). 

I think it was the stress. I had at most 5 hr sleep the last few days, and that coupled with the stress from commuting from QC to Makati (and vice versa) everyday (which entails, standing on MRT rides, walking a great distance from the MRT station to my work place) took its toll on me.

After we went home, my brother made fun of me (he was trying to lighten up the mood) by reenacting my panic attacks. The thing is, I'm super touched when my brother supported me while walking (haha, in a rare display of sibling love). Even if he didn't show how worried he was, I knew deep down inside he was concerned. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

From now on, I'll try to live a healthy life. I will refrain from drinking coffee and milk tea. I will try to exercise more.  I would never want to experience HVS ever again.

p.s. I remember that almost a year ago (?), I experienced something like HVS. At the time, I thought na binabangungot lang ako. However, the symptoms are almost the same. Lesson learned: do not stress yourself.